Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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