DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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