mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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