This dress was meant to end up on your floor
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
