apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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