she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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