I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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