Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
