Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Randomize
