You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
