Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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