She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
