i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
