if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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