I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
