I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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