I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
