she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
