the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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