That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
