You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
