Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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