I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
