Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
