you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just pee around me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
