I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
her vagine was all disorganized.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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