you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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