There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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