I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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