i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
