I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
