So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
