I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
