Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
