I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
