no, he came in my armpit
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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