Dignity is for republicans.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
