Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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