My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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