what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
