You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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