Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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