new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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