I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
