I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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