If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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