I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can feel your judgement through the phone
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
