my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
