Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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