just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
