Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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