Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
