the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
